I started life unloved, unwanted, a reject of society. As a teenager I was considered "incorrigible" which means cannot be corrected, improved or reformed. I was hateful, rude, obnoxius, rebellious and down right mean. I promptly married an alcoholic who helped to produce children and then leave me at home to care for them while he dated and played the field like a football hero still in high school. At this point in my young life the only thing I had going for me was my tenacity and the determination that my children would be raised correctly, justly and with love. All my concentration went into raising the children. Of course, I had no clue how to go about that, I just knew I didn't want them patterned after myself. I decided to go to the only authority on the subject that I knew about, God. I asked Him to help me raise my children "right", without realizing the consequences of such a request. He promptly set about putting ME in order!
I rebelled against any and all authority, parents, grand parents, teachers, police officers, and my husband. As all married couples know, 'it takes two to tango' as they used to say. Problems in a marriage are NEVER one-sided. My husband drew the joker out of the deck when he got me. I was a spoiled, rebellious, haughty young shrew. I was the woman the Bible mentions in Proverbs 21:19 and 27:15. As I look back I realize that there was one authority figure that I did recognize although I have no idea why. It was the Lord. I had always believed there was a God, however, the only thing I knew of His Son was what I heard in sunday school. He died for our sins, Jesus loves you, blah, blah, blah. I could not have known then that He would become my all consuming love. That He would teach me the truth, walk with me and talk with me and lead me gently into a life style I could never have fathomed in those days. Or that He would surround me with not only His love but with children, grand children and a husband that would love me unconditionally and completely.
I met Him in a women's meeting. This group of women got together once a month and I was invited to come along for a free lunch. As I entered the room the first thing that struck me was all the women were loving toward each other. Women? No way! They are born competitors and the more you get in one room the more competitive they become. However, I knew instantly that these women were different but I didn't understand why. (I know now that it was the presence of the Holy Spirit). As the meeting progressed I started talking to God in the way I always did, in my mind, "Whatever these women have, God, I want it, but not here! I don't want to make a fool of myself in front of all these women." When the meeting was over I headed for home, talking to myself the entire time..."not now God, not till I get home where it's private.." "..I really want that but not right this minute. I have to get home first." And on it went, like I knew something momentous was going to happen and yet not consciously aware that I knew this. When I arrived at home no one was there, the kids were in school or at the sitters, my husband was at work. I shut the door behind me and my life changed in that instant...forever!
I began shaking, crying and laughing all at the same time. After a few minutes of this strange behavior I said, out loud, "If anyone walked in here now they would certainly call the guys in the white coats" and the peals of laughter rolled out of me. So life went smoothly and well forever after, right? Wrong! Two weeks later my husband informed me he wanted a divorce. I helped him pack. He, of course, was leaving me for another woman. After he left I went to the Lord. "I have been married to this man for 10 years and I've had it, I want out. I want to be released from my vows, I have grounds according to your word and I want out! Why do you allow him to keep treating me this way? I want you to take all the love I have for him out of my heart!" "You love him more than me." "Well, of course, you are up there and I'm down here and besides I can't turn my love on and off like a water faucet......Oh, my gosh, Oh, my gosh, You spoke to ME! I heard you plain as day! WOW! You spoke to me!" I was stunned, totally forgetting that I was broken-hearted, I just kept saying, "WOW!" How did I know it was Him? For one thing, I was in the middle of a temper tantrum, sobbing, and the thought came totally unbidden and quietly, gently, firmly in a male voice. I was having such a fit that I actually started answering before I realized I was answering someone. It was a statement of fact and I recognized it was also the truth. At this point my oldest girl approached me, she was about 12 at that time, and she was crying, "Mom, isn't daddy ever coming back?" Being a good mom, I put my own feelings aside and looked her straight in the eyes and said, "Daughter, your dad always comes back (under my breath I added, 'he's like a bad penny he's always turning up') and you know this as well as I do. He'll be back you can count on it." I never lied to my children, and what I said I knew was absolutely the truth. I was right.
To tell you everything that God has done in my life and about His and my relationship would take a huge book so I'm going to condense this and by His grace, loose nothing in the telling. I have walked with Jesus, the Holy Spirit and God for over 20 years and, I not only have no regrets, but I'm still learning, still in awe and still very much in love with Him. He took an incorrigible little nobody and changed her into a woman that knows who she is, what she wants and where she is going. A woman of confidence, laughter and justice. He's given me a family who laughs when I laugh, cries when I cry and have become some of my very best friends. A husband who loves me completely and unselfishly. He quit chasing women 6 months after I started serving the King and quit drinking a year later. I once asked the Lord, "How do you see me?" And the picture that promptly popped into my head was that of a little girl walking on the beach. Her face was smudged with dirt as were her knees and her dress was all askew and also smudged. She had dark hair, big huge eyes and with her hands on her hips was carefully with deep concentration taking giant steps. She was trying to fit her small feet into the giant footprints of the man walking before her. He was showing her the path and she was following. I laughed out loud. I have since learned that I am extremely tenacious which is probably why the look on His face as he watched the little girl, was one of quiet, smiling indulgence.
Did you know that you can go to hell for listening to rock and roll music? What surprises me is the Lord doesn't seem to know it! I sing songs to Him all the time. "I will follow Him... wherever he goes I will follow". "My Hero...he is my hero". "The Power of Love...a love I could not forsake because I'm your lady and you are my man..I am always by your side". "Only One Road...Looking back through the years...face to face with this heart of mine, without you I only fall behind..we had a love most people never find..there is only one road I'm walking, only one lifetime...I'm gonna run back, run back because I need you right here beside me". I learned a long time ago that God looks at my heart not my actions. Did you know that the commandments are no longer written in STONE, they are now written in our HEARTS? (2 Corinthians 3:3, Jeremiah 31:33). And my heart is definitely His. I serve no ogre just waiting to beat down his kids...Oh, No. I serve the God of love, who sacrificed His child to save ME. He looks indulgently upon my mistakes and tells me to try again till I get it correct. I'm not saying He doesn't have a temper because He does but it is never directed toward His own children. He is not an abusive human parent. We are His most precious jewels. He will teach us if we let Him, if we refuse we will wonder around in the mess we make till we are ready to allow Him to help. It is not complicated.
I am a perpetual learner and He loves to teach me. I read the Bible a lot. I'm like a child in an Easter egg hunt, Dad hides the goodies and I hunt for them. We have a lot of fun. I do not remember ever once being PUNISHED by Him. There were many times when it was my mis-interpretation of what was happening in my life and THOUGHT He was punishing me, only to learn later that I was mistaken. I took a wrong road, I walked away, I chose my way rather than His way, I didn't trust Him or I had a lack of faith. However, He has never left me nor forsaken me not one time and NEVER has He "punished" me. He is everything to me and He knows it. I will follow where ever He goes and for however long it takes to see Him face to face someday. He KNOWS my HEART, and that I would not deliberately displease Him because no one deliberately hurts or angers someone that they love. It is by God's GRACE and ONLY by His grace that I found His love and now years later my heart cries out, because of my knowledge of Him and the truth, that He desires His children above all else to allow Him to love them. It is terribly painful to love someone so much and not have that love returned...to watch His children search diligently everywhere for Love, however, they look to each other and the love they seek will NEVER be found there. How truly heartbreaking that is..
"Father I humbly ask that you plant a seed in the mind of every person who reads these words and let the Holy Spirit water them until the seeds grow to a full age and knowledge of you, the greatest love mankind will ever know. Amen."
  
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